NOT ONCE BUT TWICE WHY ME LORD?

This is a story of pain, sadness, but joy and promise!

This is not the original paper I wrote with this title, I can’t seem to find it. When I do, I will post it.

I would first like to introduce to you to Danielle Nicole. Danielle, was a very active baby, however, the blood tests came back abnormal. We decided to go the route of getting the amnio. This is where the doctors have you on an ultrasound and they watch the baby, when they see a place, they stick a looonnngg needle in to pull out some of the fluid. Usually it is very safe. However, there is a slim chance the baby could go into shock, and die. Unfortunately, I was the rare case and this is what happened. I was in for a lesson of my life. I was 6 months along in Dec., I went for a routine appointment, I knew immediately something was wrong when Dr. Cox (more on him in another blog coming soon) could not find the heartbeat and sent me for an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat! I was in shock, they wanted to admit me immediately, and we told them no, we needed to go to the school to tell Victoria and Tiffany. Danielle was supposed to play dolls. Where was my baby and why did this happen! My mind started in a whirlwind, she was suppose to grow up and serve the Lord, We called ahead to the school, they know we were coming and the girls were in the principal’s office waiting. Understandably, they were heartbroken at the news. They had the choice whether or not to stay at school or go home to grandma, they chose the latter. I am so thankful for my in laws! It was about 2:30pm when we got back to the hospital, I was asked when I felt the baby move last, it had been about 4 weeks, but during those 4 weeks I did not realize. I was hooked up to an IV, and told I needed to go through regular labor, I remember crying out “this isn’t fair” (it was not until later I remembered that God’s ways are not our ways). I even had to deal with the milk coming in afterwards! Dr. Cox came in about 5:45, my father in law (who was my Pastor) was there and the doctor said it would be a long time before I was dilated to a 10, I was not dilating very quickly. My father in law prayed for a quick labor and left about 5:40pm. At 6:00pm the nurses were calling the doctor he needed to come back immediately. I am so thankful for answered prayers. Little Danielle weighing about 1 lb was born at 6:20pm, naturally. I did not know what to do, I am thankful for the hospital. They took many pictures of her, and said they would hold on to them until I was ready to see them. Dan and I enjoy about an hour with her, before they took her away. My only regret is that Victoria and Tiffany did not get to come hold her, I just did not know. My initial thought was to let the hospital take care of their remains and my father in law said “NO”. In the whirlwind we suddenly had to plan for a funeral!


Not the exact coffin, but gives you an idea how small it was!

The hospital gave me a clip of her hair, and the blanket she was wrapped in as a treasure. The funeral home in Belle Vernon, PA, treated us very well as we went through this difficult time. We decided to not have a funeral but to bring her to Sandusky to be buried on top of Dan’s grandpa.
Now to explain the title better. Everyone encouraged us to get pregnant again quickly to help ease the emptiness in my heart. Guess what? It did not work! For the first 6 months I sat in constant fear if this was going to happen again. Every time the baby did not move I thought it should, I panicked. I made it past the 6 month mark and breathed a sigh of relief. Tiffany wanted to be in charge of making sure the diaper bag was ready and all supplies packed so we bought the diaper bag she wanted and she had it all packed! By 30 weeks my blood pressure shot up to very high levels, I was swelling and getting headaches. It was a Friday, and Dr. Cox admitted me immediately with suspension of pre-eclampsia (I had with Victoria). However, after observing me for a short time and my blood pressure continue to rise, he felt it was in my best interest to deliver the baby at 30 weeks and was moving me to a hospital in Pittsburgh, which had a neonatal unit. It was full toxemia! By Sunday afternoon when the baby was born, I was physically tired; I remember hearing Dan and the Nurse yelling at me to push since I was having her naturally. The survival rates for the baby were great! The baby weighed 2lbs 5 ozs. And very beautiful. I had prayed that the baby be born healthy and the little one was born crying, I got to hold the baby for a minute, until they whisked it away to the neonatal unit.



We were proud parents of another daughter, Katharina Nicole. At this point I became VERY sick and started bleeding out of every open cavity. My toxemia did not stop like it was suppose it, it progressed rapidly. My platelets were down to single numbers and I was in the ICU. While in the ICU, I anxiously awaited visits from Dan, Victoria, Tiffany and my in laws with stories about her. I was not allowed to see her due to being so sick; I had to just lay there. The report I always got was she is doing great, she is a fighter! On Tues night, Dan took the girls home and at about 1:30 am, I got a visit from the head of the neonatal unit, she came to tell me to call Dan and she was sorry. After I called Dan I begged to see her. The nurses and doctors agreed as long as I would go on the gurney and not lift my head at all. There I saw my beautiful baby. I was able to touch her, talk to her, but because of being sick, I just wanted to go back to my room. I remember at 3:00 am Dan walked in holding her, I was so sick to really care or for it to register. We have pictures of each of the girls holding her; we spent a long time with her before they took Kathrina to prepare her for the funeral director (same one we used for Danielle). The Drs after a couple days decided to move me to a private room, they were really very caring and my room was behind two doors so I could not hear the other babies cry. I was in for a whole weeks. I remember, she was born Sunday and on Monday it hit me, and when I cried, I got the worse nose bleed, the dr ran in and told me I could not get upset due to my low platelets.
While I was pregnant with Danielle, we would visit Dan’s grandma who was in Elyria in a nursing home, and even after I lost Danielle grandma would not know Dan and me, but she knew whoever I was, I was supposed to be pregnant. She would constantly ask to see the baby and we would tell her the baby was in Heaven with the Lord. In Dec. 91 the Lord called grandma home to be with him.
We decided since Katharina lived we wanted a real funeral for her. We asked Dan’s dad to perform the service, he started chocked up and then did a great job. During the funeral we sang Amazing Grace and Because He Lives (I still cry at that hymn).

MEMENTOS OF THE FUNERAL





The tombstone I always wanted!

After the luncheon, Dan’s dad and mom put Katharina in their car, and out of respect drove to Sandusky with lights on. We buried Katharina on top of Dan’s grandma.
To this day they do not know what caused her to die; she has some small things wrong but the head of the neonatal unit, said that it was not enough to kill her. Even the autopsy showed no reason. So today, I am able to thank the Lord for his wisdom.
I was told when I went back to Dr. Cox I could not have any more children, this one almost cost me my life! Heartbroken but understanding the decision was made. I thank God for the short time I had with her, and I rejoice that both my girls are in Heaven with Jesus. I am sure they are pestering him, but I know the Lord does not mind. Thank you Lord for lending me the girls for a short time, it is better than not at all! I know that I will definately see the girls one day when I die, I have accepted the free gift, of Jesus in my life, I know I will be in Heaven with them, for admitting I do bad things? Did you ever lose a love one? Will you see them again? If you want to know more contact me at valerieschnarr@gmail.com thanks!

A POEM FROM GRIEVING PARENTS!

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

In loving memory of Darrell Keith and Melody Joy Taylor.


(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved
Found this on the internet and felt it was appropriate.

After losing both girls, I became emotionally and mentally sick. I am finally after all these years coming out of it; I am able to make decisions with the Lord and Dan by my side. I am not the door mat I used to be!